we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
