be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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