i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
