sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
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