i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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