If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
