I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
