Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Holy sore nipples Batman
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
