what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
