Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
