WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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