they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Randomize
