...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
