toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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