He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
