so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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