Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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