I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize