it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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