the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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