Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
