Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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