I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
