i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
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