So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
