Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
