he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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