remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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