wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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