We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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