Welp...herpes.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
