Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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