he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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