I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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