There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
