he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
