i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
