ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
