she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
