I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
