Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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