I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
