I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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