i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
