Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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