one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
