You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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