i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
