Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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