If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
