Fine. I'll sleep in my office
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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