dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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