I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize