it wasn't lemon gatorade
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
