I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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