Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
