I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
