my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just high enough for therapy.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
