somebody snuck up and got me drunk
so that wasnt chicken after all
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Actions speak louder than pants.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
