why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
