32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
