Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
